Step 9

Step 9 – Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so

would injure them or others.

Matthew 5:9 – Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.

If we have completed a list of all persons we have harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all, then we are ready for Step 9. If we do not have the willingness, we continue to ask God until it comes. Here are a few things to consider before getting down to the business of making direct amends.

Choosing the right words:

When the prodigal son went home to ask for his father’s forgiveness, he carefully worked out what he was going to say. We will also want to carefully consider what we are going to say before we make our direct amends.

Luke 15:17-21 – “When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father's hired men have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! 18 I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. 19 I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men.’ 20 So he got up and went to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. 21 The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’”

Our words must acknowledge the basic offense. To help us identify the basic offense, we can put ourselves in the other person’s place and relive the offense –through their eyes and feelings. We think about the harm we have caused them and ask God to let our offenses break our heart. God wants us to have a broken heart when we have sinned.

Psalms 51:16-17 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. 17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

Isaiah 66:2 – “Has not my hand made all these things, and so they came into being?” declares the LORD. “This is the one I esteem: he who is humble and contrite in spirit, and trembles at my word.”

Our words must reflect full repentance and sincere humility. Again, we need to have a genuine humble, repentant, broken, remorseful and contrite heart about the wrongs we have done. We will get much better results if we are truly repentant, than if we are just pretending to be.

Proverbs 15:4 – The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.

Remember that our pride is opposed to the amends process. Just as soon as we purpose to acknowledge where we have been wrong and ask for their forgiveness, we can expect pride to come in and try to rationalize or justify our actions. Our pride will try to assure us that we really weren’t that bad and that they were wrong too.

Some examples of wrong wording:

1. “I was wrong, but you were too.” This statement reflects pride as well as bitterness. We are only discussing where we have been at fault. We also need to completely forgive the person for their wrongs before we make amends to them.

2. “I’m sorry about it, but it wasn’t all my fault.” This statement is not much better than the preceding one. It doesn’t blame the one with whom we are making the amends, but it also doesn’t accept much responsibility for what happened.

3. “I’m sorry.” When we just say, “I’m sorry.” we are not clearly accepting responsibility for the wrongs we have done. The statement can mean, “I’m sorry for my defective personality,” or “I’m sorry that it happened,” but not clearly, “I was wrong.” We need to confess where we have been wrong and ask for their forgiveness.

4. “If I’ve been wrong, please forgive me.” This is really saying, “If my personality (for which I’m not responsible) has offended you, there must be something wrong with your ability to get along with others. But I’ll be generous and assume that maybe it’s my fault (which I’m not fully convinced it is) and ask you to forgive me –if you still think I’m wrong, that is.

5. “I’m sorry about the way I acted. Please forgive me.” This statement still reflects areas of pride. “I was wrong” is one of the hardest statements for human beings to make because of our pride. It is much easier to say, “I’m sorry about…” It’s also much easier to say, “Please forgive me” than it is to ask, “Will you forgive me?” and wait for the answer.

Examples of Right Wording:

1. “God has convicted me of how wrong I have been in…(the basic offense.) Will you forgive me?”

“I realize that I have been wrong…(the basic offense.) Would you please forgive me?”

“I know that I have hurt you. I was wrong…(the basic offense.) I don’t ever

want to hurt you this way again. Will you please forgive me?”

The amends should also include a change in our attitudes and actions, and restitution for any personal loss that was suffered by the one(s) we have harmed.

The proper time and method to make amends.

Jesus emphasized the importance of going to see the offended person to ask for their forgiveness when we realize that we have offended them. –when the Holy Spirit has convicted us of our guilt.

Matthew 5:23-24 – “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, 24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.”

Jesus also taught his disciples to go back to the ones they had sinned against to ask for forgiveness and also to forgive those who sinned against them.

Luke 17:3-4 – So watch yourselves. “If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. 4 If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.”

Notice that each time the offender must return to the one that he sinned against and ask for forgiveness.

It is probably best to make our direct amends face to face, but a phone call can be made when the person no longer lives near us. A letter is the least effective, because it is less painful to our pride, and it doesn’t allow us to gain verbal assurance of forgiveness.

The second half of Step 9, “except when to do so would injure them or others” reminds us to carefully think and pray about each amends before making them. We have no business clearing our conscience at the expense of another.

Special cautions in making amends:

1. Be as brief and clear as possible. There is a danger in talking too much while trying to make amends. The more we say, the greater the danger that we will say something wrong. If we talk too much before we ask for forgiveness, we will be tempted to rationalize, justify or minimize what we have done.

2. Don’t involve others. Our amends has nothing to do with wrongs that anyone else has done. We shouldn’t make amends by hurting yet another person.

3. Don’t procrastinate making amends. There is a danger in waiting too long. During the wait, we tend to decrease the magnitude our offenses, and the one we have sinned against will tend to increase the magnitude. Another danger in waiting too long is a possible decision not to make the amends at all.

4. Wait for God’s timing to witness. Unless the other person specifically asks about our Christianity, we shouldn’t try to combine witnessing with making amends. The act of making amends will be witness enough at this point. God wants us to share with people the hope He has given us in Christ, but we should remember not to force witnessing during the amends process. If it is God’s timing, it will happen naturally.